My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Hell yeah 👍
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark