Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
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*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES