This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
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opening a flower shop called women in stem
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????