(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
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I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade