One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
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Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Facebook memories be like
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes