Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
next question.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
i was baptized in a car wash
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.