[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
You Might Also Like
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic