hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
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The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.