Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
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With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Intelligence is the new cleavage