You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
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professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.