I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
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“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!