I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
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If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
A French press is when you hug naked
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
don’t we all
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.