god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
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Need tips on making something look like an accident.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
The A string on my guit_r is flat
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
u spoke cat all this time??????
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!