I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
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Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Me, in DM rooms…
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?