My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
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My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I’m not alone. I have ants.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans: