*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
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Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van