Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
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I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I saw this ending much differently.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.