I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
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When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.