Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
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Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Sheep
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t