i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
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I’ve had worse
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.