If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.