I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
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I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
my proudest tweet
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.