Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
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“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Thursday Thought.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.