My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
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Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”