Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
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How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Lol
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
#ProTip
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.