Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
You Might Also Like
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
From my Mom
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
We avoided this particular disaster
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.