Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
You Might Also Like
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Look at this
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
awkward
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…