I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
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Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My neck my back my allergy attack
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone