Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
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me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
All food is good if you spell it wrong
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad