[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
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Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.