To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.