If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
You Might Also Like
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.