Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
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I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
But I really needed water water water
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”