Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
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I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]