He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
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If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
liiiiiiiiike
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?