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#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.