Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
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Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
This forever.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
*aggressively waits in line*
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.