I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
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The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.