If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
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[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.