Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
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ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Twitter fine art
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before