On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
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If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
May never get over this
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
How actors in movies eat their food
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Wednesday
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a