we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
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I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.