Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
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Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!