Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
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THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Think I pulled my liver
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Tell the colonel to bring it