They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
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i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
#dnd #ttrpg
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?