A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
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[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.