Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
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Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.