I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
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her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!