Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
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Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
A duv-egg? In this economy?
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever