My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
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If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
There are usually two types of merchants.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows